Update time.

Halloween was a lot of fun.  I went up to Oklahoma to go trick-or-treating with my friends at all of the professors houses.  Shane and I went as Harry Potter and Hermione.  Fun fun fun! 

But, now that it's over and I had a glimpse at what could've been (went to musical rehearsal on Saturday) and no longer have anything to look forward to... it's been a really rough couple of days.  I still feel like everything is unfinished.  I also feel like it may not ever happen.  I'm losing hope and energy and motivation and most of the time I utterly hate myself.  Before I said that my pastor had done a series on fear and had said that a person can't be a failure.  Maybe not but lately my failures seem to outway my successes and I feel like that's all anyone can see in me.  I'm overwhelmed with the hope and encouragement I have for others but I feel like a lost cause.  I thought I was handling things pretty well but I'm not.  I've gone through months now of pretending that I'm okay when I'm not.  I put on a fake smile and feel guilty for feeling sad.  I keep thinking about all of the years I've spent working on my voice and acting and the money I've spent on lessons and classes... and it seems like it was all a waste; like I'll never get to do it again.  I can't even listen to opera anymore without feeling like my soul is dying a little.  Though I had tremendous fun this weekend, it was a reminder of how completely alone I really am. 

Don't worry, I'm not in the "danger" zone.  I don't want pity or sympathy and I don't want people to feel like they have to walk on eggshells while around me.  I just needed to express this so that I could stop feeling like a fraud. 

Currently Marvin's Marvelous Mechanical Museum By Tally Hall see related

Here's the latest:

Thankfully, my dad and stepmom decided to reconcile and do couples counseling.  Yay!

The bad news is that after waiting for three weeks UTD sent me a form letter letting me know that I didn't get the job.  The search continues.  I'm trying to not give up hope and stay positive, it's just kind of rough.  I have a group interview for a seasonal position at James Avery on Saturday but I'm not holding my breath. 

I could probably write more but I don't want to right now.   

Currently Koop Islands By Koop see related

This is nuts!

About a week and 1/2 ago I had a job interview for a secretarial position at UTD.  I was supposed to have heard back by this past Saturday.  As of Thursday, they still hadn't decided and the last two times I called I got voice mail and no one's returned my calls yet.  Apparently they need me there.   

I found out today that my dad and stepmom are separating.  Seriously?!  I mean, what the what?  I'm not really upset or anything just bewildered.  I was there 3 days ago and they seemed fine.  OY. 

So that's the deal at the moment.  Hope you're all well! 

Currently The Time Traveler's Wife By Audrey Niffenegger see related

I watch too much TV

This was the dream I had last night, try not to judge my subconscious too harshly.

Apparently when I was younger I was an extra for all of the Saved By The Bell episodes and through that became friends with the whole SBTB gang.  So Mario Lopez called me to ask if I'd be his date to the reunion.  Duh.  Unfortunately, a contact of mine (Craig Ferguson) had vital info for me regarding my next mission.  During our meeting, Christian Slater showed up and shot him.  So my handler (Ray Romano) pulled me out and took me to the sight of my mission: an abandoned ship yard where I had to help kill a giant mummy.  I don't remember exactly what I did but I destroyed the mummy (with the assistance of Jennifer Garner and Victor Garber) in time to make my date with Mario... and borrowed an outfit from my best friend, Jennifer Aniston.

I need to lay off the TV for a while.

In other news, I recently started reading The Time Traveler's Wife.  This is the review (that I also wrote in my sleep... I'm beginning to think that my subconscious is more creative than I am):

Much like a singer who infuses their interpretation of a story into their song, Niffenegger sings into her story and shows a powerful yet delicate command of phrasing, tone, color, language, breath, and expression. 

In other words, it's awesome.   

Currently Night Train to Memphis By Elizabeth Peters see related

Well, I'm home.  After a rather tearful goodbye to my friends and profs at SNU, I turned in the key to the room I never saw, dropped all my classes and left.  It took a while 'cause I had to wait for my brother to meet me and fix the car.  I didn't mind the wait because it allowed me to spend a little more time with the Ambrosinis who insisted on us staying for dinner (a delicious spinach salad and salmon on rice).  Though I know I'll see them again soon, that goodbye was the most difficult.  The excited anticipation of my weekly lesson with Becky is what got me through alot of stressful months. 

It's kinda weird to be home right now.  I feel like I'm back in 2005 and have taken steps backward even though I know I'm going forward.  I'm trying to find a full-time job (I'm hoping at DBU) so I can save up and maybe get a place of my own.  Though, as Jared pointed out, it's a good plan but not if it's not God's plan.  I'm just trying to figure out what He wants me to do and what He wants me to learn through all of this.  So, that's how it stands.  We'll see where He takes me.